I was once asked what it means to be "in love" by a middle-aged man of Middle Eastern descent at a local bar. He was questioning my partner and I as to how we knew the feelings we shared weren't just feelings of infatuation or simply caring for another person. She and I looked at each, not really sure how to explain the feelings we shared for one another to someone who claimed to have never experienced it personally, while he looked at us, desiring a more substantive answer than "you just know..."
She had already told him that I was a sociology professor and had a few books in the works. Yet, his conversation was strikingly different than the usual ones that follow such an introduction. He wasn't interested in my knowledge of the social world or anything that I have written about. In a sense, I was dumbfounded. He was obviously a man that enjoyed quests for knowledge as well, but he wasn't interested in intellectual pursuits. He seemed to have a pretty good grasp on those. He was only interested in emotional pursuits. Different than the usual, but nonetheless, as a teacher, I couldn't possibly let his question go unanswered.
So, in a matter of minutes, I sat in silence, scrounging through my thoughts and emotions, both past and present. I mentally compared my current feelings to those of previous relationships. Quickly, I threw together my best possible response: mutual self-sacrifice. He stood bewildered for a few seconds and then questioned further as to what I meant. I gave him an overview of where my brain was going with it all, but since then, I have put a lot more thought into it, and this what I have come up with.
What does it mean to be in love?
From a religious perspective, the source of unconditional love in human beings comes from the love of God. God provides us the ability to love like s/he loves us and continually provides us examples of that love every single day. God's unconditional love is provided to us through his/her Son, whom was living proof of love through self-sacrifice. When you truly love another person, you are willing to sacrifice yourself, in hopes that they will do the same. If it is a one-way street, that is not true love between two individuals, it is only the love of one individual for another.
From a non-religious perspective, human beings have a tendency to become selfish. We live in a dark world, where you often times have to place your needs above the needs of others to survive. But a selfish, survival of the fittest mentality, brings no peace to the soul. Only anger. Resentment. Greed. Jealousy. Pure unhappiness. It is when you find that one person that is willing to sacrifice for you, just as much as you are for them, but that neither ever has to sacrifice anything for because you both want the other completely unchanged, that your soul finds true peace. That feeling of peace from the willingness for mutual self-sacrifice and putting the needs and desires of another human being above your own is because your heart has truly fallen in love.
Also, humans have the tendency to be attracted to those that are different than them. We are fascinated by that which is everything we are not. We seek balance in our lives. But that "different" doesn't function or think the way we do. You probably won't have the same career types, hobbies, interests, passions, musical tastes, food tastes, etc. So, what starts out as an uncontrollable fascination that pulls you towards another person's soul, eventually becomes a conscious choice every day.
You make the choice to continue to love someone through mutual self-sacrifice to ensure that a relationship filled with true love doesn't disappear. You express interest in the things that interest your partner. You try to become involved in their interests and hobbies. You go do the things they want to do, no matter how much you hate them. It is very easy in committed relationships for people to lose themselves if they are the only one that is doing the sacrificing and putting in the work, but if both people are sacrificing and putting in work, they each ensure that they keep the other person's true self alive. And alas, never fall out of love.
So, what does it mean to be in love? Mutual self-sacrifice.
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