Girls, Boys, and Everything in Between: Gender and Families in a Changing World

For those that don't already know this, I run a tutoring business for extra cash. (Insert Sales Pitch Here: Triumph Tutoring - moving education beyond the traditional classroom. All subjects. All grade levels. Contact me for more details. More information available at triumph-tutoring.weebly.com.) Sorry guys...can't miss an opportunity :)

So, yesterday I started tutoring two little girls (sisters) for the first time. One of them needs help in 8th grade math, science, and English, and the other needs help in 4th grade math, science, and reading. The dad is a single father, and he has the girls during the week, while the mother sees them on weekends. Just from the first 2 hours of meeting with this family, I learned quite a few things and developed a few questions.

1) Fathers are just as capable of being successful single parents as mothers without losing their masculinity.  In two hours, I watched this father finish putting together a desk, straighten up a house, fold laundry, pack school lunches, and then cook dinner while simultaneously watching ESPN on the living room TV. He seriously wore me out just by watching him run around like a chicken with his head cut off. Because seriously...I had nothing but a feeling of admiration for him at that point since I know that as fast as I can get many things done when necessary, he definitely had me beat. Hands down. Also, not only was he doing things that not many men would do, but he was doing things that not many women would do in such a short amount of time. To say that he is less of a man because he was doing "feminine" work would be appalling to me because I cannot imagine the strength it must take for a person to properly raise children by themselves, no matter what biological organs they possess beneath their clothing. He was in no way less masculine, but he was what appeared to be a pretty respectable individual. And kudos to him for placing the TV in a place where he had a straight shot view of it from the kitchen stove. Well played, sir. I took note for sure.

2) Divorce really does have negative effects on children, no matter how amicable the separation is. From the conversations that I have had with the father thus far, I have gathered that his divorce from his wife and their subsequent handling of their shared children has been pretty amicable but also fairly recent. The girls are still able to have consistent relationships with both of their parents. So, one would think in a situation such as that, compared to the horror stories we commonly hear about divorce, that there would be very limited negative effects on the children. However, when working with them (again, only for two hours so far), I have already noticed some negative effects that the divorce has had on them. The 4th grader was in constant need of reassurance that she was doing a great job and was very, VERY attention driven. I was able to gather that while her father is doing what seems to be an amazing job thus far of making sure that they are taken care of, the girls commonly go long periods of time without direct, one-on-one attention, making her attention-starved. On the other hand, the 8th grader was very withdrawn, and at one point, when I asked her a question about a math problem that she had gotten wrong, she sighed and in a very defeated voice said, "not like it matters...nothing matters anymore." Her sadness was seeping out of her pores into her entire being, and I just wanted to give her a hug and tell her that everything was going to be okay. But it was fascinating to me that even though their parents had split amicably and ensure that they do not lose either parent completely, there were still noticeable negative effects on the children. I was also intrigued by the differing effects on the girls.

3) Fourth grade girls ask a lot of questions, and young teenagers today are definitely more open-minded. So, I'm a butch lesbian. I'm used to being mistaken for a guy from behind or shoulders up. Common, understandable mistake. It doesn't upset me anymore, and as long as a person isn't rude about it when they realize I'm a female, it honestly doesn't bother me. I'm not a female that wants to be viewed as a male, but I understand where the mistake comes into play. With children, I'm even more understanding because they haven't usually been exposed to anything but feminine females and masculine males, and they are socialized that that is the way it's supposed to be. So, my being is completely foreign to them, bringing about a lot of confusion when they see me. Confusion naturally leads to questions. I've been asked questions before about my being, but I've never been in one-on-one environment with a 4th grade girl for two hours in which she had ample opportunity to ask me whatever she wants to. If she was my child, I would have no problem answering any question she had without missing a beat, but when it's not your child and you aren't sure what the parent does and doesn't want their child to know...well, you tend to come up empty. Thank goodness for the 8th grader.

So, the 4th grader's questions went something like this:

4th Grader to Me: Why do you look like a boy?

8th Grader to the 4th Grader: Samantha...don't be rude. You don't ask someone that. And she doesn't look like a boy...she's obviously a girl.

4th Grader to Me: But your hair's short...and your shoes look like boy's shoes...

(Before my 4th grade girl defenses kicked in with "THESE ARE NOT BOY'S SHOES!!! I GOT THEM IN THE GIRL'S SECTION!!!)
Me to 4th Grader: Well...I like my hair short...and these shoes are comfortable...

4th Grader to Me: But it makes you look like a boy...

8th Grader to 4th Grader: You can't look like a boy if you aren't a boy, Samantha. Is she a boy?

4th Grader: Well, no...

8th Grader: Okay then. She's not a boy. She can wear whatever she wants and have her hair however she wants, and she will never be a boy. Doesn't mean you have to wear it or cut your hair off.

Needless to say, I was very thankful that this tutoring session involved two girls, one of which answered all of the other one's questions that I had no idea how to answer at that point. Which brings me into my questions for the day:

1) I know all of the answers about my "gender variance" that I would provide to my own children when confronted with them. But if confronted with these questions again by a young child that I am working with, what is an appropriate answer that would provide the child with clarity but not impede on the parents' wishes for what their children are exposed to? I am particularly interested in knowing what the parents out there would want their children to be told in such a situation. But I need all the answers I can get...even if you aren't a parent now, what would you say if you were?

2) We live in a world today of changing gender roles and family structures. But even when I am exposed to them as someone who challenges traditional gender roles myself, I still find myself in awe of their existence and judging them based on my traditional assumptions. So, are we ever really immune to tradition, even if we are someone who is non-traditional ourselves? 

3) As cliche as it sounds, children really are our future. Are we doing enough to cater to their needs and emotions in a changing world? Today's children are growing up in a world where divorce is common, single parent families are acceptable, and gender is less traditional than it was in the past, but there are still traditional aspects of society that they are equally exposed to. So, in a sense, today's young children are in limbo so to speak. What are we doing to help them specifically in a transitioning society?