Resurrected

I started this blog a few years ago as an outlet for my mind, and needless to say since it's apparent from the gap between blog postings, I abandoned it after a short time. I originally titled it "Questions About Everything" because at that point in my life that's exactly what I believed I was filled with. But I had absolutely no idea that I was only questioning the world and not myself, which gets us nowhere in the end. I was in my early 20's, still in college, studying sociology (which should come with a warning sign that says: "WILL MAKE YOU BITTER AS YOU LEARN ABOUT THE DARKNESS OF THE WORLD"), and living in a world that, no matter how much I enhanced my mental capabilities, I could not understand. Yet, just like every other young adult, I thought I knew it all. I was a self-proclaimed secular humanist that you could not win an argument with. I believed in the good of mankind and the ability of humans to fix the world we live in. But I wanted nothing to do with a higher power, Christians, or anyone that didn't want to give the coat off their back to the homeless man on the corner or that didn't agree with gay marriage. What would Jesus do?!?! Well, not what you're doing for damn sure!!! I spoke out against inhumanity, hypocrisy, judgment, and all things evil, and in the meantime, I had allowed the hypocrisy and ugliness of the world to turn me into someone that was no better than those that I was speaking out against. I justified my judgment towards those different from me by the fact that they hated me for who I was because of their misunderstanding, making it okay for me to do the same. I convinced myself that my heart was pure, my mind was clear, while everyone else in the world just couldn't see the truth. While the entire time, the truth was that I didn't know myself completely, and I was behaving in the same way they were - judging something that I did not fully understand. In sociology, some of the things that we study are labeling, stereotypes, subcultures, and ethnocentrism. I had realized how others labeled me, but I had not realized how I had labeled others. I had realized how others had stereotyped me as a young, educated, lesbian, non-Christian, but I had not realized how I had stereotyped others. I had realized the negative aspects of the Christian culture and the uneducated culture, but I had not realized the negative aspects of the non-Christian culture or educated culture that I willingly affiliated myself with. I used my view of and place in the world to measure the immorality behind everyone that was not the same as me - ethnocentrism at its finest. I had truly become a sociologist. I studied the rest of the world while forgetting that I, too, was just another part of it, contributing to it everyday, not just in my studies or writings, but also in my behaviors. And while I thought I was doing the world a favor, I was actually contributing to its ugliness even more. Then, something unexpected happened...something that completely turned my world upside down...in August 2011, while I was off at college, my younger brother...my best friend in the entire world...ended his life. No matter how cliche it sounds, this personal tragedy changed my life. I went through stages of emotion: first blaming him, then blaming others, and then blaming myself. First, I selfishly blamed him because he left me. He was the only person that fully understood me more than I understood myself, and I was then forced to live without him in a world I didn't like. He abandoned me. Then, I blamed the mental health system and society as a whole for destroying such a beautiful soul. After that, I blamed myself for not being there enough for him or noticing the "signs". This stage of focusing on myself and my imperfections did something to me...it broke me down to the point where absolutely nothing else mattered, not the groups I affiliated myself with, not the amount of knowledge I had in my mind, to the point that I was forced to reevaluate myself and search for comfort and understanding elsewhere since obviously nothing within me at that point was substantial enough to bring me peace from the enormous amount of guilt that was killing my soul with every breath I took. Everything that I was as a person was gone. I no longer cared about work. My education seemed pointless. Even my writing, the one thing that had always saved me, was empty and unfulfilling. I even went through a time of attempting to drown my feelings out with alcohol and drugs. Didn't work. I even started going long, unhealthy periods of time without eating, and then binging, so the pain that I felt from being incredibly hungry at least reminded me that I was still human. Still no relief. And toxic relationships. Nothing. I was emotionally unhealthy. Heartbroken. I had hit rock bottom, and I couldn't find my way back up. Talking to someone about it seemed pointless then because it didn't help him to talk to someone when he needed it. There were two things that saved me. One healed me at a systematic, mental level and the other at a individual, personal level. The first: one night in January 2012, I was up late, listening to music, attempting to drown my feelings out with M.J. (Michael Jackson of course...lol), when I picked up a Bible. Thinking back, I have absolutely no idea what sparked me to do so, but I did. I spent the entire night until the sun came up, jumping from scripture to scripture, searching for current news articles on my laptop, and reading the work of Nostradamus. As crazy as it sounds (and I know it does), somehow, some way, my scientific, mathematical mind found emerging patterns connecting the word of God, the prophecies of Nostradamus, and current events that proved to me that God did exist. One of my biggest issues with Christianity had always been the lack of scientific proof of a higher power, but by the end of that night, my mind could not dispute the extremely low probability that scriptures written thousands of years ago could have effectively predicted the occurrence of modern-day events without the influence of a divine power. In turn, this completely opened up my beliefs for reexamination. The feeling that overtook me when my mind finally reached that point literally brought me to my knees. I had no idea who I was anymore. What I did know is that I was then a self-proclaimed Christian, and I realized that it was possible for me to find fault in organized Christianity and human mistake in the world around me, without denying the existence of a higher power. God initially created the world, but He is not responsible for what it has turned into - we are. My mind and heart did a complete 180, and I not only felt that it would now be my job to work to fix Christianity through my studies and writing, but I also received a sense of comfort in my brother's death. It was okay that the world didn't make sense to me and that I was emotionally broken. There was something morally good out there that didn't wish for the world to be the way that it is now. The second: Toxic relationships. I had convinced myself that I deserved nothing better and that healthy relationships didn't exist. In the middle of being caught up in them, my current partner...my love...emerged in my life once again and ripped apart everything that I thought I knew about love and life. She challenged me. Even when I didn't want to be challenged in my brokenness, she pushed me still. Convinced me that I do deserve a healthy love. A love that builds you up and supports you and loves you for all your imperfections. She made me smile again when nothing else could. She never gave up on me, and she will truly have my heart forever. Because if another person can love you when you don't love yourself at your worst, then they deserve you at your best. My soul belongs to her now. These two things brought me peace with my brother's death when nothing else could, but they also opened me up to an enormous amount of self-questioning that was long overdue. I realized that I was not making the world a better place as I once thought I was. Nor could I blame his death on the world alone or myself alone - suicide is actually the fault of the entire world, myself included. My questions about the world around me and acknowledgment of its ugliness are in no way gone, in fact they are strengthened, but I now place myself within that world as well. I realize that if the world is going to become a better place, then I have to simultaneously become a better person. As humans, it is most comfortable for us to not question anything. Ignorance is bliss. It is slightly less comfortable for us to question the world but not ourselves, but it's still fairly comfortable. It is completely uncomfortable for us to question both the world and ourselves. But change never comes from anything comfortable. And change in the world today is much, MUCH needed. Over the past few years, my soul was resurrected. Now, this blog is resurrected as well. But this time I will ask questions about everything...myself included. And I invite you to question yourself and the world along with me. Until next time... P.S. My book America's Fall & The Fight To Rise Again will be published soon. I will keep you posted and hope everyone checks it out :)